Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Divorce, remarriage, and aging

Well the semester is coming to an end so here we go. Divorce! bleh.
Did you know woman are more likely to ask for a divorce then men? Generally in the heat of the moment or when they are already emotional. Some men don't even realize anything is wrong. After about 2 years most men have already remarried, much to the ex wifes dismay. Normally about 2 years after the divorce 70% of people realize they could have and should have saved their marriage. They all kind of regret it. There is a chance the woman want to get back with her ex husband but that's often not possible since he is generally remarried.
The most common reasons people give for divorce are finances, they fall out of love, they have problems communicating, and every once in a while infidelity.
for many people the problem is that they don't know how to make decisions together. and for many its actually a matter of perception. What they see is happening even if that isn't really whats happening. when it comes to trying to convey how your feeling the best way is to not blame or get angry because that just makes people defensive. If you can convey what your feeling without blaming it creates compassion.

Remarriage. These familys can be difficult when there is children because you cant just expect the children to give up what they know and many hope someday their parents will get back together so it may take them a while to be ok with a blended family like that. yuuuppp most of this in class was a scenario about a girl whos father died when she was 15. Her and her mother got unnaturally close so when she married a young man who wanted to start a family of their own the mother kept over stepping boundaries that should not be crossed. So the husband began drinking to drown his sarrows and pain, the wife divorced him, attempted to turn the kids against him. Eventually he got remarried and him and his new wife wanted to try to have the family the guy had always wanted but because of the childrens mother and their hope that their family would become one again it didn't go as planned. The new wife then wanted a child of their own but the husband just wanted to focus on the kids he already had. This caused a whole new set of problems. All while the ex wife was just hurting. that's pretty much all we discussed

Now aging! there aren't a lot of study's on older couples because the transitions are less defined.
Adolescence is between the time your body is sexually mature enough to reproduce and the time when your economically mature. Once the last adolescent has left the house the couple become empty nesters. Some empty nesters say that its hard at first but is a second chance at feeling like newlyweds. They now have the freedom to go where they want and the finances to do what they want because they no longer have anyone else to take care of each other. Some couples love this, its another time to rediscover each other and why they fell in love. Some couples it drives insane and sometimes even to divorce because they don't know what to do with themselves anymore.
Its especially hard for couples who never have children because their lives are pretty much the same the entire marriage and they miss out on many experiences. When you do have children though you hope they have kids and give you grandkids. When becoming a grandparent one of the hardest things to do is find the boundaries between parent and grandparent because if your children are able, you really need to let them raise their own kids and make their own mistakes. But some parents are not able. 11% of grandparents in the US become a parental figure to their grandchildren. Many find themselves wiser, more relaxed, and more involved then when they were parents to their own children because they now have experience. 

Saturday, December 7, 2013

parenting . . mostly abortion.

This week we talked a lot about parenting and the different trends that have become normal, including one in particular that is very tough for me to speak about because it is such a touchy topic and I am so passionate about it, abortion.

Now we will get to abortion rather quickly but lets start with the current parenting trends.
 *delay in having children
 *Fewer or no children over all
 *Nannies/day care/someone else taking care of the kids
 *More children born out of wedlock
The delay in children often comes from getting married later and their are many reasons people often don't have children but many of those come up when we talk about abortion.
Nannies etc. come from woman going into the work force and being so busy now a days. That or people just don't want to raise their kids but wanna have the fun part? possibley.
We all know how children are born out of wedlock. Compared to our grandparents and earlier there is a decline in morals and its ok to sleep around a bit before getting married, if ever. Not judging at all, its your choice, but it doesn't fit with the things I believe.

And now to the tough one. Did you know that abortion often causes depression, substance abuse, and all those things that go along with those? it does. That little baby inside of you is a part of you for a while. You created it and your connected there for not only does it hurt that little childs soul it hurts the mothers spirit as well.

From what I understand, and there may be different reasons too but from what I know woman get abortions becasue
-they don't want to get close to the baby then have to give it up
-they don't want the physical changes having a child brings to her body
-so the baby doesn't have to live through this world (a kind of saving the baby by killing it)
-The mother was raped, dying, would die if she went through child birth etc.
-The mother doesn't want people to know
-The mother and father don't think they are ready for children yet (they can always have kids later right? not always . . . )
-The mother of the mother wants her to get an abortion.

The statistic is in 1950 woman who got pregnant before marriage 50% would get married, 49% would give the baby up for adoption and 1% would abort the baby. In the year 2000 50% get married 49% have an abortion, and only 1% give that baby up for adoption.

This is very sad to me. . . I may be young but I have been through a lot and witnessed plenty. Babys are a blessing. They are not the sin, a consequence or the problem. Pro choice activists say that it should be the woman's choice what she does, after all its her body. No. Her choice was to have sex. The woman knows she could get pregnant or get STDs so when she chooses to have sex she is accepting that these things might happen. That is her choice because the baby has no choice in any of it.
They only time it would be expectable to abort a baby, in my opinion is when the circumstance is rape. In rape the mother was not having sex willingly, it was not her choice, she was not willing to deal with the consequences and it was not what she wanted. It is also quite traumatic. though I find it expectable there is still the opportunity to have the baby and give it up to adoption. It wasn't the baby's fault that the mother was raped either . . .

I understand that there are some that are not ready to have children in their lives yet but consider that you may never be able to get pregnant again. There was a couple that came to my teacher and they were upset. They had gotten pregnant before they were married and in college. They both weren't ready for a baby at that time but the wife would have been ok having the baby. The husband, so busy with school, convinced her to abort the baby. 20 something years later they were married and ready to bring a child into the world. They hadn't been able to get pregnant except for that one little child they had aborted so many years ago. They then regreted what they had done.
Consider that even if you can their are couples out their yearning for the joy a baby brings to the family but can not have one.
I have a very good friend who could not have children. She wanted a child so badly. She would take the girls from church under her wing because its the closest thing she had to children of her own. It was so hard for her that she couldn't have kids. but adoption can be expensive and take a very long time. There are plenty of familys our their that would love to take in the children and take good care of them, they know that babys are blessings. Blessings they themselves can not create.

The last thing is what if someday you do have kids? what if you tell them or they find out that you once had an abortion? Those children will most likely wonder if you had thought about aborting them. Why were they so special? why wasn't it them? they begin to devalue their life because it seems as though it was so easy for the first child to be terminated. They realize it could have been them. What if it could have been you?


So we were supposed to be talking about fathers this last week but what I thought was interesting was actually an article we were supposed to read called "Does a full time home maker swap her mind for a mop?" It talked about how many look down on woman who decide to be a stay at home mom instead of going out and getting an education, being successful in a career in the workforce, and "living a fulfilling life". Many think that you just stop learning and growing when you decide to stay home and take care of your family because you don't go to school or necessarily talk to adults other then your husband but none of that has to be true.
The only job Ive ever truly wanted is to be a mother. I am working on a degree of course and so I will be prepared to work if its necessary but once I have children I want to be able to raise them, In my mind its the most important job a woman could have, and for me the only fulfilling one. A mother is a driving force and these children we are bringing into the world are our future, Our Countries futures, the Planets future. They are important. I know for a fact they learn a lot from the example and love their mothers show. A child who feels totally loved and knows their mother will always be their is healthier then a child with parental issues. Fathers are of course important too but they have a different kind of connection with the children. It was the mother who carried them for 9 months and went through excruciating pain to bring them here.
A perfect example of a successful mother is my own. She has stayed home to take care of us our entire lives. Even though I am no longer living at home she still sends me packages all the time and I am constantly getting flowers from her and my father. My mother has friends and is active in our church. Serving others constantly and the best she can. She takes fantastic care and is patient with my brother who is said to have a learning disability and my sister who is hard headed, stubborn and knows what she wants. She has become a psychotherapist, a reki master, and continues to read, learn, and develop skills and talents in her free time, either that or shes helping someone or hanging out with us. My mother has learned to multi task like no other and she still helps my dad out at work by planning the work parties and taking lunch to the manager meetings once a month. My mother is a home maker but my mother is one of the wisest, smartest, happiest, most giving, amazing, selfless, accomplished, wonderful people I know! Now tell me woman shouldn't stay home. I wouldn't have this amazing relationship with my mother is she wasn't home with me after, during, and before school or whenever else I needed her. She was always there, always home, If I didn't wanna be a alone I didn't half to be and my mother and I are best friends because of it.

Friday, November 22, 2013

Ok this week I missed class once so I don't have as much as Id like buttttttt that's ok, less for you to read :)

To have power in the family you need to respect each other. A wife mus respect the father and the other way around. If they do not respect each other and back each other up their children will not respect them either.
In peoples minds abuse is often tied to power.

When councling with each other it is good to make sure to tell each other how much you love and appreciate each other, itll open up healthy communication and a person is less likely to get offended when you do stuff like that in love. it is also good to get strait to the point and be honest. Not mean, not blaming the other person but telling them lovingly.

Pretty much the most important things I got out of this week.
Good advice, short sweet and to the point. Love yall! have a good day


Been a while!

Ok we talked about the family under stress this week.
Now Crisis demands a change in the family system, sometimes good and sometimes bad. Some examples of crisis are


Death would be tough no matter who it is in the family that died but there is a difference in morning and feeling depending on if it was a parent, child, aunt, uncle, grandparent etc. that died. The difficulty and reaction also depends on the age you are, if the death was expected of unexpected, and/or how closes you are with the person

Infidelity is difficult because, besides the obvious one parent pulling away and becoming distant from the family, often one parent stops being a parent so often one of the older children has to take on the role and take care of the other children. The roles sort of switch.

Illness of a parent can also cause a change in roles where one of the older children must take on the role of parent in the house. It can also change the social interactions the family has with the outside world, especially if the children are younger then 16 and can not drive.

Divorce is very difficult and changes the entire dynamic of the entire family. The children may have to take on parental roles and the parents may even end up in competition for the children's love by doing things such as buying them toys, lapsing on rule, and bad mouthing the other parental unit.

My teacher gave us the ABCX model that he learned from somewhere that I forgot. It goes like this
A-actual event
B-both recources and application
C- cognitions (thought process)
X-total eXpirience

Pretty self explanatory I would say. The way you handle ABC makes up what X is. Like a math problem . . . but better in my opinion because you can choose what X is . . . and I don't like math.

A stresser is anything that brings stress, good or bad and it has been said that without stress we tend to become weak.

Abuse is another stresser and crisis.
There are a few different kinds of abuse
-emotional abuse
-sexual abuse
-physical abuse
-verbal abuse

When abuse occurs within the family there is often fear, the family closes off, the needs of family members can not be met, and the abuser is normally well liked and respected within the community while at home they cause fear and hurt.

We talked mostly about sexual abuse in class. The treatment we talked about can be seen by some as cruel but has been tested and tends to have better results then just taking the sexual offender out of the house.
1. all of the family members are brought together.
    -ask mom and dad what they know
             *This gets everything out in the open
             *There are times when the victim can not express themselves or tell what happened.
             *It gives mom and dad power and puts them, once again, in charge of the situation
2. Ask everyone else in the family what they know
     -Mom and dad cant do their job if they don't know the whole story
     -sometimes others were abused other then the original victim
3. Talk to the offender
     -Ask why what they did was wrong
     -Keep probing
            *It helps to teach the effects of abuse to the offender, its like self discovery
            *ask the family why they think it is wrong, make sure they all agree.
            *at the end agree with what they said and then add that it hurts their spirit.
              (remember sexuality and spirituality are connecter, it causes pain to the spirit of the victim)
4.Other family members begin talking about how their spirits were also hurt.
    -begins opening things up between family members
    -opens true learning by self discovery and the spirit
    -reinforces natural boundaries
5.specifically points out how it hurt the spirit of parents
6.Tell the offender to get down on his knees and apologize (a very important step)
    -ask the victim if they believed the apology
            *if not have them apologize again until the whole family believes they are truly sorry
 Note: the entire family will become closer and may all apologize for their part in the entire situation.

By doing this and slowly integrating them saftly back into the family while teaching them the correct behavior of a sibling or parent and not leaving them alone with the victim. This replaces a bad behavior with a good one which sticks with the person longer then just therapy. This method often gets the offender saftely back into the family while other methods the offender becomes a repeat offender or never becomes integrated back into the family.

Just a few crisis and I found it interesting. The only real crisis my family has been through is having to move a few times and the death of my uncle, but we've had a rather good and crisis free life. Maybe a few smaller ones but nothing big. Its interesting to learn about those who have been through really difficult family crisis and hopefully learn how to understand and help people.  

Friday, November 8, 2013

My Uncle

Todays post has nothing to do with my class actually except for the fact it does have something to do with family.

My Uncle Loren Scot Waters (he went by Scot) passed away last Saturday. It was an accidental death and surprised all of us. I was sitting at my boyfriends house when I got the call. It was a good day that day and my boyfriend and I were just talking and laughing and then my mom calls and all she says is "Scotties dead" Im pretty sure I screamed a little. I kept babbling like no, he cant be, you have to be joking, etc... The next week was a roller coaster. In my religion we believe that family's can be together forever, that when you die your not really gone per say, your spirit just leaves your body for a while and moves on ahead of your loved ones. We believe we will all see these loved ones that have passed on before us again. So ive gone through ups where I know hes in a better place, getting the help and healing he could not get in this life, knowing we will all be together again someday. And downs where I miss him. I worry about his beautiful young children he left behind. I grieve and very deeply. He also left behind his parents, sister, four brothers, a plethora of nieces and nephews and many friends who loved him dearly.

The funeral was my first ever. We walked into the church where they were holding the ceremony carrying flowers. We walked into the back of the church first and I knew there would be an open casket but I guess I hadn't realized where we were going at the time because when I walked into the room and saw him laying there I literally stepped back and looked away. I left the room. I really wasn't expecting that. It didn't take long to get over it, especially since all my little cousins were in there and they were fine. My sister was really nervous so we sat down in the front row and looked from a distance. We watched as people started to trickle in. Family from a few different states, friends we knew, and many we didn't. they of course walked past the casket and then walked past my uncles and my mom and grandparents to give their condolences. Sometimes it was just hugs and words of love and encouragement. but sometimes different things would trigger the tears. That was the hardest part of this part of the ceremony for me. Watching my Uncles. These four strong, outdoorsy, manly men, who had always been in my life but I had never really seen cry, get so emotional. Not because I think they are less manly but because I don't like seeing them upset. Especilly not so upset that they burst into tears. It was just as hard to watch my mom cry. She is my rock, my strength. She doesn't often cry, not like that but she just lost her brother, her childhood best friend. Its to be expected. No one wants to see their mom cry that way though. It broke my heart. Tears trickled down my face as I watched my heros cry over the death of their beloved brother. but when my grandpa cried I truly lost it. In all my years I have never seen this man cry. He is strong and funny and loves to tease. This is the first time in a long time id seen him serious and the first time ever he showed his pain.
They were all trying to be strong and lighten the mood a little with laughter but of course it was sad, even with the knowledge we will see him again, its sad he had to go so young. My sister said she wanted to go stand by the casket and see our uncle but she was nervous. When one of our younger, but deffinently more mature cousins went up and stood their by himself I took that opportunity to get my sister up there as well. When I looked in . . . it didn't really look like my uncle. It looked like a doll. A representation of my uncle. It was just his body. A shell that once held his soul. Once his spirit, his soul left, it was like it wasn't really him anymore. Then his oldest daughter walked in the door. I cant even imagine how hard It would be to lose my father. Considering, she handled it rather well. It was the first time I had seen her in a while and when I hugged her she kind of lost it. I felt so sad for her I wished there was something I could do. All I could do was be there for her and I did that as best I could.  It was difficult when they closed the casket. hard to watch those who were not of our faith and didn't understand that he wasn't really gone. My uncle said a prayer that had us all in tears and then we followed the casket to the chapel.

 I was overwhelmed with how many people were waiting in the chapel when we walked in. I thought there were a lot of people in the little room where we had the first part of the ceremony. It was wonderful to see how truly loved he was and is. The ceremony was wonderful. They told a lot of storys and along with the tears there was a lot of laughter. All the nieces and nephews were asked to sing a primary song called "familys can be together forever" If you do not know the lyrics they are

                                                           "I have a family here on earth
                                                            they are so good to me
                                             I want to share my life with them through all eternity
                                               familys can be together forever
                                                             through heavenly fathers plan
                                                            I always want to be with my own family
                                                       and the Lord has shown me how I can
                                                             The Lord has shown me how I can"

Singing that was beautiful and reassure but it made me cry, especially if I looked out over the family. They were mouthing the words too. Everyone did a wonderful job. All the prayers, music, and talks about this wonderful man. It was perfect.
We then followed the casket out of the chapel and out into the front by the hearse. My father, brother, all of the other uncles, and our oldest male cousin besides my brother were paul bearers. I stood next to my grandmother as they lifted the casket into the hearse. She started shaking and crying and I felt so helpless. All I wanted was to make everything better. I had never seen her cry so hard and it was sad. No mother should have to burry their child. We then followed the hearse to the cemetery. While we were driving there it was amazing to see the amount of respect people have. So many people driving on both sides of the road pulled to the side and turned on their headlights for our little unofficial funeral percesion. they stopped and let us all go through lights or turns. There are good people who practice respect and it meant the entire world to our family!!!!

We didn't watch them put Scot in the ground. We gathered and said a dedicatory prayer and visited a little. Giving condolences and what not and then went back to the church for a little lunch. It was beautiful to see how people come together even if it takes a tragedy to do it. Im greatful for all of the support shown to my family through this difficult time

My uncle was a very good man. His younger brothers all loved and looked up to him. He taught, at least the two older boys how to fish and camp and hike and things like that. Their love of the outdoors comes from a loving older brother. He was so smart. A genious one uncle called him, a jack of all trades another said. He loved to learn. He loved history and wood working and crystals and rocks. One of my favorite and most pronounced memories of him is when I was very very young he would take me and my younger brother out into the backyard where there were buckets and boxes of rocks that had been my great grandfathers. He had loved rocks too. My uncle would show us the different rocks, some with crystals inside and tell us about each one and explain to us why they were beautiful to him. Pretty sure he even broke a couple geos open for us so we could see the crystals. Got me and my brother into trying to break rocks to find treasure inside. He was the kindest, most caring man in the world. He knew how to show true Christ like love. He would help anyone, he would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it. Literally he would do it. He didn't have much but he loved to give, he loved to make other people happy. He loved his four little girls more then anything in the world. they were his world. He talked about them and worried aabout them constantly. My uncle was lucky enough to live in turkey for a while. That whole family did and he loved it. The people, the culture, everything. He lived a pretty full life and we all loved him very very much. We will all miss him dearly and till the day we are reunited as a family.
I know that he is in a better, happier place and I know because of the plan of happiness we can all be together again for time and all eternity. I know that he is safe and happy and that the Lord will look after his four little girls for him. I know familys can be together forever. I know Heavenly father loves each and every one of us and we are all his children.
My uncle knew it all too.
-love, your family <3

Friday, October 25, 2013

I know, second post today.
This is all about what I have learned this week. We have been talking a lot about dating and marriage. There are different ways you can predict if a marriage will be a healthy one. A few are if the couple has the same values, same religion (same understanding and devotion), similar personality and interests. Personality can be defined as enduring personal behaviors.
Many people believe that opposites attract. This can be true, we sometimes find personality traits that we don't have, attractive in other people and some differences are necessary. We need these differences to cover each other. I am totally crazy and slightly irrational sometimes, the guy im dating right now is chill and pretty good at keeping a level head. He helps me when I get a little out of control and need a calm place to work things out. That is where differences are a good thing. If a couple has nothing in common and are completely different the marriage will at least have problems if it doesn't end completely.
When it comes to finding someone you want to date there are three rules of attraction.  The first one is propinquity, the ability to meet and have access to the person. The second is physical attraction. Its the first thing a person notices and it really is important I don't care what anyone says. The third one is behavioral attraction, a person has to be able to handle being with this other person and their personality.
Eventually when people date long enough they fall in love. There are four different kinds of love, Agape, storge, eros, and phillia. (they are greek or something so they are pronounced funny).
Agape is more of a quality of someone. Its based on intentions of doing good not feeling based. It can be likend to charity. Storge is a parent/child, sibling type relationship. A love where you wanna take care of someone, do things for them etc. Eros is the Sexual, romantic, intimate type of love. Its passionate, the kind people write songs about. Then phillia, that's the "brotherly love" the closs, friendship type love. You might think that it would be weird to have all of these kinds of love in a romantic relationship but in all actuality you need all four of them to create a healthy relationship. The eros kind of love is they type you can fall out of. It comes and goes. The phillia and agape are much harder to fall out of. you need a good balance of all of them.
In relationships there are things to be cautious of. Misattribution of arousal is basically confusing one feeling with another, such as confusing excitement with love. for example, a guy who takes a girl on a date through a haunted house. The haunted house will make her feel nervous and scared and excited while at the same time she will be hanging onto the boy who brought her there. Because of this she could misinterpreted these feelings of excitement because she was just scared half to death with the feeling that she really is very attracted to this guy.
When it comes to deciding if you and your significant other are going on dates or just hanging out look to the three Ps.
-paired off (you are responsible for your date and they for you)
-planned (you know a general idea of what your doing, where your going, and when you'll be home)
-paid for (that's pretty self explanatory, one person pays, gentleman, its usually you)
Now there are also three ps of responsibility's of husbands. we connected the 6 to each other.
-provide connects to paid for. you need money to provide for your family like you do for a date
-protect connects to paired off, you have to take care of your spouse
-preside connects to planned, those that preside over families or churches or anything much plan different activities and other such things. These are all attributes of leadership and I think most girls want a guy who can lead her family (with her help of course).