Ok this week I missed class once so I don't have as much as Id like buttttttt that's ok, less for you to read :)
To have power in the family you need to respect each other. A wife mus respect the father and the other way around. If they do not respect each other and back each other up their children will not respect them either.
In peoples minds abuse is often tied to power.
When councling with each other it is good to make sure to tell each other how much you love and appreciate each other, itll open up healthy communication and a person is less likely to get offended when you do stuff like that in love. it is also good to get strait to the point and be honest. Not mean, not blaming the other person but telling them lovingly.
Pretty much the most important things I got out of this week.
Good advice, short sweet and to the point. Love yall! have a good day
Friday, November 22, 2013
Crisis
Been a while!
Ok we talked about the family under stress this week.
Now Crisis demands a change in the family system, sometimes good and sometimes bad. Some examples of crisis are
-Death
-Infidelity
-Illness
-Divorce
Death would be tough no matter who it is in the family that died but there is a difference in morning and feeling depending on if it was a parent, child, aunt, uncle, grandparent etc. that died. The difficulty and reaction also depends on the age you are, if the death was expected of unexpected, and/or how closes you are with the person
Infidelity is difficult because, besides the obvious one parent pulling away and becoming distant from the family, often one parent stops being a parent so often one of the older children has to take on the role and take care of the other children. The roles sort of switch.
Illness of a parent can also cause a change in roles where one of the older children must take on the role of parent in the house. It can also change the social interactions the family has with the outside world, especially if the children are younger then 16 and can not drive.
Divorce is very difficult and changes the entire dynamic of the entire family. The children may have to take on parental roles and the parents may even end up in competition for the children's love by doing things such as buying them toys, lapsing on rule, and bad mouthing the other parental unit.
My teacher gave us the ABCX model that he learned from somewhere that I forgot. It goes like this
A-actual event
B-both recources and application
C- cognitions (thought process)
_________________________
X-total eXpirience
Pretty self explanatory I would say. The way you handle ABC makes up what X is. Like a math problem . . . but better in my opinion because you can choose what X is . . . and I don't like math.
A stresser is anything that brings stress, good or bad and it has been said that without stress we tend to become weak.
Abuse is another stresser and crisis.
There are a few different kinds of abuse
-emotional abuse
-sexual abuse
-physical abuse
-verbal abuse
When abuse occurs within the family there is often fear, the family closes off, the needs of family members can not be met, and the abuser is normally well liked and respected within the community while at home they cause fear and hurt.
We talked mostly about sexual abuse in class. The treatment we talked about can be seen by some as cruel but has been tested and tends to have better results then just taking the sexual offender out of the house.
1. all of the family members are brought together.
-ask mom and dad what they know
*This gets everything out in the open
*There are times when the victim can not express themselves or tell what happened.
*It gives mom and dad power and puts them, once again, in charge of the situation
2. Ask everyone else in the family what they know
-Mom and dad cant do their job if they don't know the whole story
-sometimes others were abused other then the original victim
3. Talk to the offender
-Ask why what they did was wrong
-Keep probing
*It helps to teach the effects of abuse to the offender, its like self discovery
*ask the family why they think it is wrong, make sure they all agree.
*at the end agree with what they said and then add that it hurts their spirit.
(remember sexuality and spirituality are connecter, it causes pain to the spirit of the victim)
4.Other family members begin talking about how their spirits were also hurt.
-begins opening things up between family members
-opens true learning by self discovery and the spirit
-reinforces natural boundaries
5.specifically points out how it hurt the spirit of parents
6.Tell the offender to get down on his knees and apologize (a very important step)
-ask the victim if they believed the apology
*if not have them apologize again until the whole family believes they are truly sorry
Note: the entire family will become closer and may all apologize for their part in the entire situation.
By doing this and slowly integrating them saftly back into the family while teaching them the correct behavior of a sibling or parent and not leaving them alone with the victim. This replaces a bad behavior with a good one which sticks with the person longer then just therapy. This method often gets the offender saftely back into the family while other methods the offender becomes a repeat offender or never becomes integrated back into the family.
Just a few crisis and I found it interesting. The only real crisis my family has been through is having to move a few times and the death of my uncle, but we've had a rather good and crisis free life. Maybe a few smaller ones but nothing big. Its interesting to learn about those who have been through really difficult family crisis and hopefully learn how to understand and help people.
4.
Ok we talked about the family under stress this week.
Now Crisis demands a change in the family system, sometimes good and sometimes bad. Some examples of crisis are
-Death
-Infidelity
-Illness
-Divorce
Death would be tough no matter who it is in the family that died but there is a difference in morning and feeling depending on if it was a parent, child, aunt, uncle, grandparent etc. that died. The difficulty and reaction also depends on the age you are, if the death was expected of unexpected, and/or how closes you are with the person
Infidelity is difficult because, besides the obvious one parent pulling away and becoming distant from the family, often one parent stops being a parent so often one of the older children has to take on the role and take care of the other children. The roles sort of switch.
Illness of a parent can also cause a change in roles where one of the older children must take on the role of parent in the house. It can also change the social interactions the family has with the outside world, especially if the children are younger then 16 and can not drive.
Divorce is very difficult and changes the entire dynamic of the entire family. The children may have to take on parental roles and the parents may even end up in competition for the children's love by doing things such as buying them toys, lapsing on rule, and bad mouthing the other parental unit.
My teacher gave us the ABCX model that he learned from somewhere that I forgot. It goes like this
A-actual event
B-both recources and application
C- cognitions (thought process)
_________________________
X-total eXpirience
Pretty self explanatory I would say. The way you handle ABC makes up what X is. Like a math problem . . . but better in my opinion because you can choose what X is . . . and I don't like math.
A stresser is anything that brings stress, good or bad and it has been said that without stress we tend to become weak.
Abuse is another stresser and crisis.
There are a few different kinds of abuse
-emotional abuse
-sexual abuse
-physical abuse
-verbal abuse
When abuse occurs within the family there is often fear, the family closes off, the needs of family members can not be met, and the abuser is normally well liked and respected within the community while at home they cause fear and hurt.
We talked mostly about sexual abuse in class. The treatment we talked about can be seen by some as cruel but has been tested and tends to have better results then just taking the sexual offender out of the house.
1. all of the family members are brought together.
-ask mom and dad what they know
*This gets everything out in the open
*There are times when the victim can not express themselves or tell what happened.
*It gives mom and dad power and puts them, once again, in charge of the situation
2. Ask everyone else in the family what they know
-Mom and dad cant do their job if they don't know the whole story
-sometimes others were abused other then the original victim
3. Talk to the offender
-Ask why what they did was wrong
-Keep probing
*It helps to teach the effects of abuse to the offender, its like self discovery
*ask the family why they think it is wrong, make sure they all agree.
*at the end agree with what they said and then add that it hurts their spirit.
(remember sexuality and spirituality are connecter, it causes pain to the spirit of the victim)
4.Other family members begin talking about how their spirits were also hurt.
-begins opening things up between family members
-opens true learning by self discovery and the spirit
-reinforces natural boundaries
5.specifically points out how it hurt the spirit of parents
6.Tell the offender to get down on his knees and apologize (a very important step)
-ask the victim if they believed the apology
*if not have them apologize again until the whole family believes they are truly sorry
Note: the entire family will become closer and may all apologize for their part in the entire situation.
By doing this and slowly integrating them saftly back into the family while teaching them the correct behavior of a sibling or parent and not leaving them alone with the victim. This replaces a bad behavior with a good one which sticks with the person longer then just therapy. This method often gets the offender saftely back into the family while other methods the offender becomes a repeat offender or never becomes integrated back into the family.
Just a few crisis and I found it interesting. The only real crisis my family has been through is having to move a few times and the death of my uncle, but we've had a rather good and crisis free life. Maybe a few smaller ones but nothing big. Its interesting to learn about those who have been through really difficult family crisis and hopefully learn how to understand and help people.
4.
Friday, November 8, 2013
My Uncle
Todays post has nothing to do with my class actually except for the fact it does have something to do with family.
My Uncle Loren Scot Waters (he went by Scot) passed away last Saturday. It was an accidental death and surprised all of us. I was sitting at my boyfriends house when I got the call. It was a good day that day and my boyfriend and I were just talking and laughing and then my mom calls and all she says is "Scotties dead" Im pretty sure I screamed a little. I kept babbling like no, he cant be, you have to be joking, etc... The next week was a roller coaster. In my religion we believe that family's can be together forever, that when you die your not really gone per say, your spirit just leaves your body for a while and moves on ahead of your loved ones. We believe we will all see these loved ones that have passed on before us again. So ive gone through ups where I know hes in a better place, getting the help and healing he could not get in this life, knowing we will all be together again someday. And downs where I miss him. I worry about his beautiful young children he left behind. I grieve and very deeply. He also left behind his parents, sister, four brothers, a plethora of nieces and nephews and many friends who loved him dearly.
The funeral was my first ever. We walked into the church where they were holding the ceremony carrying flowers. We walked into the back of the church first and I knew there would be an open casket but I guess I hadn't realized where we were going at the time because when I walked into the room and saw him laying there I literally stepped back and looked away. I left the room. I really wasn't expecting that. It didn't take long to get over it, especially since all my little cousins were in there and they were fine. My sister was really nervous so we sat down in the front row and looked from a distance. We watched as people started to trickle in. Family from a few different states, friends we knew, and many we didn't. they of course walked past the casket and then walked past my uncles and my mom and grandparents to give their condolences. Sometimes it was just hugs and words of love and encouragement. but sometimes different things would trigger the tears. That was the hardest part of this part of the ceremony for me. Watching my Uncles. These four strong, outdoorsy, manly men, who had always been in my life but I had never really seen cry, get so emotional. Not because I think they are less manly but because I don't like seeing them upset. Especilly not so upset that they burst into tears. It was just as hard to watch my mom cry. She is my rock, my strength. She doesn't often cry, not like that but she just lost her brother, her childhood best friend. Its to be expected. No one wants to see their mom cry that way though. It broke my heart. Tears trickled down my face as I watched my heros cry over the death of their beloved brother. but when my grandpa cried I truly lost it. In all my years I have never seen this man cry. He is strong and funny and loves to tease. This is the first time in a long time id seen him serious and the first time ever he showed his pain.
They were all trying to be strong and lighten the mood a little with laughter but of course it was sad, even with the knowledge we will see him again, its sad he had to go so young. My sister said she wanted to go stand by the casket and see our uncle but she was nervous. When one of our younger, but deffinently more mature cousins went up and stood their by himself I took that opportunity to get my sister up there as well. When I looked in . . . it didn't really look like my uncle. It looked like a doll. A representation of my uncle. It was just his body. A shell that once held his soul. Once his spirit, his soul left, it was like it wasn't really him anymore. Then his oldest daughter walked in the door. I cant even imagine how hard It would be to lose my father. Considering, she handled it rather well. It was the first time I had seen her in a while and when I hugged her she kind of lost it. I felt so sad for her I wished there was something I could do. All I could do was be there for her and I did that as best I could. It was difficult when they closed the casket. hard to watch those who were not of our faith and didn't understand that he wasn't really gone. My uncle said a prayer that had us all in tears and then we followed the casket to the chapel.
I was overwhelmed with how many people were waiting in the chapel when we walked in. I thought there were a lot of people in the little room where we had the first part of the ceremony. It was wonderful to see how truly loved he was and is. The ceremony was wonderful. They told a lot of storys and along with the tears there was a lot of laughter. All the nieces and nephews were asked to sing a primary song called "familys can be together forever" If you do not know the lyrics they are
"I have a family here on earth
they are so good to me
I want to share my life with them through all eternity
familys can be together forever
through heavenly fathers plan
I always want to be with my own family
and the Lord has shown me how I can
The Lord has shown me how I can"
Singing that was beautiful and reassure but it made me cry, especially if I looked out over the family. They were mouthing the words too. Everyone did a wonderful job. All the prayers, music, and talks about this wonderful man. It was perfect.
We then followed the casket out of the chapel and out into the front by the hearse. My father, brother, all of the other uncles, and our oldest male cousin besides my brother were paul bearers. I stood next to my grandmother as they lifted the casket into the hearse. She started shaking and crying and I felt so helpless. All I wanted was to make everything better. I had never seen her cry so hard and it was sad. No mother should have to burry their child. We then followed the hearse to the cemetery. While we were driving there it was amazing to see the amount of respect people have. So many people driving on both sides of the road pulled to the side and turned on their headlights for our little unofficial funeral percesion. they stopped and let us all go through lights or turns. There are good people who practice respect and it meant the entire world to our family!!!!
We didn't watch them put Scot in the ground. We gathered and said a dedicatory prayer and visited a little. Giving condolences and what not and then went back to the church for a little lunch. It was beautiful to see how people come together even if it takes a tragedy to do it. Im greatful for all of the support shown to my family through this difficult time
My uncle was a very good man. His younger brothers all loved and looked up to him. He taught, at least the two older boys how to fish and camp and hike and things like that. Their love of the outdoors comes from a loving older brother. He was so smart. A genious one uncle called him, a jack of all trades another said. He loved to learn. He loved history and wood working and crystals and rocks. One of my favorite and most pronounced memories of him is when I was very very young he would take me and my younger brother out into the backyard where there were buckets and boxes of rocks that had been my great grandfathers. He had loved rocks too. My uncle would show us the different rocks, some with crystals inside and tell us about each one and explain to us why they were beautiful to him. Pretty sure he even broke a couple geos open for us so we could see the crystals. Got me and my brother into trying to break rocks to find treasure inside. He was the kindest, most caring man in the world. He knew how to show true Christ like love. He would help anyone, he would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it. Literally he would do it. He didn't have much but he loved to give, he loved to make other people happy. He loved his four little girls more then anything in the world. they were his world. He talked about them and worried aabout them constantly. My uncle was lucky enough to live in turkey for a while. That whole family did and he loved it. The people, the culture, everything. He lived a pretty full life and we all loved him very very much. We will all miss him dearly and till the day we are reunited as a family.
I know that he is in a better, happier place and I know because of the plan of happiness we can all be together again for time and all eternity. I know that he is safe and happy and that the Lord will look after his four little girls for him. I know familys can be together forever. I know Heavenly father loves each and every one of us and we are all his children.
My uncle knew it all too.
FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS. CANT WAIT TILL WE ARE TOGETHER AGAIN. LOVE AND MISS YOU UNCLE SCOT!
-love, your family <3
My Uncle Loren Scot Waters (he went by Scot) passed away last Saturday. It was an accidental death and surprised all of us. I was sitting at my boyfriends house when I got the call. It was a good day that day and my boyfriend and I were just talking and laughing and then my mom calls and all she says is "Scotties dead" Im pretty sure I screamed a little. I kept babbling like no, he cant be, you have to be joking, etc... The next week was a roller coaster. In my religion we believe that family's can be together forever, that when you die your not really gone per say, your spirit just leaves your body for a while and moves on ahead of your loved ones. We believe we will all see these loved ones that have passed on before us again. So ive gone through ups where I know hes in a better place, getting the help and healing he could not get in this life, knowing we will all be together again someday. And downs where I miss him. I worry about his beautiful young children he left behind. I grieve and very deeply. He also left behind his parents, sister, four brothers, a plethora of nieces and nephews and many friends who loved him dearly.
The funeral was my first ever. We walked into the church where they were holding the ceremony carrying flowers. We walked into the back of the church first and I knew there would be an open casket but I guess I hadn't realized where we were going at the time because when I walked into the room and saw him laying there I literally stepped back and looked away. I left the room. I really wasn't expecting that. It didn't take long to get over it, especially since all my little cousins were in there and they were fine. My sister was really nervous so we sat down in the front row and looked from a distance. We watched as people started to trickle in. Family from a few different states, friends we knew, and many we didn't. they of course walked past the casket and then walked past my uncles and my mom and grandparents to give their condolences. Sometimes it was just hugs and words of love and encouragement. but sometimes different things would trigger the tears. That was the hardest part of this part of the ceremony for me. Watching my Uncles. These four strong, outdoorsy, manly men, who had always been in my life but I had never really seen cry, get so emotional. Not because I think they are less manly but because I don't like seeing them upset. Especilly not so upset that they burst into tears. It was just as hard to watch my mom cry. She is my rock, my strength. She doesn't often cry, not like that but she just lost her brother, her childhood best friend. Its to be expected. No one wants to see their mom cry that way though. It broke my heart. Tears trickled down my face as I watched my heros cry over the death of their beloved brother. but when my grandpa cried I truly lost it. In all my years I have never seen this man cry. He is strong and funny and loves to tease. This is the first time in a long time id seen him serious and the first time ever he showed his pain.
They were all trying to be strong and lighten the mood a little with laughter but of course it was sad, even with the knowledge we will see him again, its sad he had to go so young. My sister said she wanted to go stand by the casket and see our uncle but she was nervous. When one of our younger, but deffinently more mature cousins went up and stood their by himself I took that opportunity to get my sister up there as well. When I looked in . . . it didn't really look like my uncle. It looked like a doll. A representation of my uncle. It was just his body. A shell that once held his soul. Once his spirit, his soul left, it was like it wasn't really him anymore. Then his oldest daughter walked in the door. I cant even imagine how hard It would be to lose my father. Considering, she handled it rather well. It was the first time I had seen her in a while and when I hugged her she kind of lost it. I felt so sad for her I wished there was something I could do. All I could do was be there for her and I did that as best I could. It was difficult when they closed the casket. hard to watch those who were not of our faith and didn't understand that he wasn't really gone. My uncle said a prayer that had us all in tears and then we followed the casket to the chapel.
I was overwhelmed with how many people were waiting in the chapel when we walked in. I thought there were a lot of people in the little room where we had the first part of the ceremony. It was wonderful to see how truly loved he was and is. The ceremony was wonderful. They told a lot of storys and along with the tears there was a lot of laughter. All the nieces and nephews were asked to sing a primary song called "familys can be together forever" If you do not know the lyrics they are
"I have a family here on earth
they are so good to me
I want to share my life with them through all eternity
familys can be together forever
through heavenly fathers plan
I always want to be with my own family
and the Lord has shown me how I can
The Lord has shown me how I can"
Singing that was beautiful and reassure but it made me cry, especially if I looked out over the family. They were mouthing the words too. Everyone did a wonderful job. All the prayers, music, and talks about this wonderful man. It was perfect.
We then followed the casket out of the chapel and out into the front by the hearse. My father, brother, all of the other uncles, and our oldest male cousin besides my brother were paul bearers. I stood next to my grandmother as they lifted the casket into the hearse. She started shaking and crying and I felt so helpless. All I wanted was to make everything better. I had never seen her cry so hard and it was sad. No mother should have to burry their child. We then followed the hearse to the cemetery. While we were driving there it was amazing to see the amount of respect people have. So many people driving on both sides of the road pulled to the side and turned on their headlights for our little unofficial funeral percesion. they stopped and let us all go through lights or turns. There are good people who practice respect and it meant the entire world to our family!!!!
We didn't watch them put Scot in the ground. We gathered and said a dedicatory prayer and visited a little. Giving condolences and what not and then went back to the church for a little lunch. It was beautiful to see how people come together even if it takes a tragedy to do it. Im greatful for all of the support shown to my family through this difficult time
My uncle was a very good man. His younger brothers all loved and looked up to him. He taught, at least the two older boys how to fish and camp and hike and things like that. Their love of the outdoors comes from a loving older brother. He was so smart. A genious one uncle called him, a jack of all trades another said. He loved to learn. He loved history and wood working and crystals and rocks. One of my favorite and most pronounced memories of him is when I was very very young he would take me and my younger brother out into the backyard where there were buckets and boxes of rocks that had been my great grandfathers. He had loved rocks too. My uncle would show us the different rocks, some with crystals inside and tell us about each one and explain to us why they were beautiful to him. Pretty sure he even broke a couple geos open for us so we could see the crystals. Got me and my brother into trying to break rocks to find treasure inside. He was the kindest, most caring man in the world. He knew how to show true Christ like love. He would help anyone, he would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it. Literally he would do it. He didn't have much but he loved to give, he loved to make other people happy. He loved his four little girls more then anything in the world. they were his world. He talked about them and worried aabout them constantly. My uncle was lucky enough to live in turkey for a while. That whole family did and he loved it. The people, the culture, everything. He lived a pretty full life and we all loved him very very much. We will all miss him dearly and till the day we are reunited as a family.
I know that he is in a better, happier place and I know because of the plan of happiness we can all be together again for time and all eternity. I know that he is safe and happy and that the Lord will look after his four little girls for him. I know familys can be together forever. I know Heavenly father loves each and every one of us and we are all his children.
My uncle knew it all too.
FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS. CANT WAIT TILL WE ARE TOGETHER AGAIN. LOVE AND MISS YOU UNCLE SCOT!
-love, your family <3
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